I always thought that when I left work that it would be on my own terms. I did everything that I could to stay at work. There were times during lunches while the rest of management had meals I would eat my baby food. There were times when I had to sit all day or balance using a cane so I wouldn't fall on the floor. Yet, I didn't stop working and I fought until there was no more fight left in me. Yet, when the end came I didn't think it would come the way it did. After being forced out by my illness I felt as if I had been defeated.
The sad part is that the depression soon followed due to the fact that not only was my job affected but was so many other things. Even doing this can take every bit of energy I have. My favorite thing going to church became so difficult. I even had to start wearing earplugs at every service and there were times that I had to leave in the middle to lay down.
This is when life went from bad to worse. I started feeling like no one would miss me if I did just disappear. How was it that I was going to keep going feeling as miserable as I do? How could I expect others to have to do so much of what I used to do? Then at last my escape of life was taken when driving a car was stripped and then even riding a car became very hard.
So I figured that God had truly also left me. One night in the middle of frustration I decided it was time that I took back control. That it was time to end it all. Why put myself and others through anymore of this.
I decided that the quick way would to be hit by a car. I actually felt like if it was a car it would be my final way of winning my escape back.
Here is where God got the last laugh. As I sit waiting for a car to come by it never did. There is never a time day or night that cars don't go by. So after quite awhile of waiting I looked up to the heavens and said please send me my answer.
About that time I heard something I knew a vehicle was coming down the street. Surprisingly God had sent a much different answer. Instead of a car, bus, truck something that would let me do what I wanted to do God sent a moped. Right then and there I knew I was not alone. Actually God was there and giving me my hope back.
Right then and there I decided that God had sent me the answer I truly needed. I wasn't useless in fact God had something planned for me. I came back in the house and started writing my first blog. Then my spirit began filling with the life I needed. I knew that God wanted me to start helping others.
God began feeling thoughts of other things I could do without leaving my house. Things I could do on my own time. If I couldn't stand and had to lay down that would be fine. Days when my tummy was fighting me would not interfere. That it was going to be blessed by God.
There are days that I am still depressed who wouldn't be in this situation. But the best part the thought of ending it all has disappeared. I know God will not let me do something stupid like that. Amazingly friends and family started showing up or calling when I started going blue. I found that there were people still out there that cared.
People that know me might be surprised by the fact that I thought God had left me. I am very spiritual and believe that in all the good and bad times God has been there. Yet, what I discovered is that I needed to know what it felt like to believe that God was gone to understand others. So right now if you think you are alone you are not.
God is there even when you don't think so. In fact, the story is so true when you are at your lowest and don't feel you can take anymore. That is when God is carrying you. God doesn't leave those that need support. So even if you are going through one of those moments right now God is carrying you. When you don't need to be carried God is walking with you.
Lastly, one of the things that God gave me to help me help others was my ability to pray. I know that even if I can't sit up I can pray. I might not have met you, I might now know your name, I might not know what you are going through. But if you are reading this right now know that I am praying for you. I know that God is using this and it is blessed. So I promise you that you are not alone and that all is good.
Well time to lay back down. Today has been one of the bad ones but it is okay. Because God was there. I wished I could have done other things but God said rest. Nice to know I was being carried I truly needed that today.
For my fellow fighters keep on fighting and remember one day they will figure this out and we will have won. Until then don't give up hope. It is okay to rest on bad days, but on the good days enjoy life to your fullest because you deserve it.
There is so much more and remember this is something that I live with and am writing from my perspective. Talk to a doctor if you feel you may have this or any other disease because without proper diagnosis you will never get the treatment you deserve.
The sad part is that the depression soon followed due to the fact that not only was my job affected but was so many other things. Even doing this can take every bit of energy I have. My favorite thing going to church became so difficult. I even had to start wearing earplugs at every service and there were times that I had to leave in the middle to lay down.
This is when life went from bad to worse. I started feeling like no one would miss me if I did just disappear. How was it that I was going to keep going feeling as miserable as I do? How could I expect others to have to do so much of what I used to do? Then at last my escape of life was taken when driving a car was stripped and then even riding a car became very hard.
So I figured that God had truly also left me. One night in the middle of frustration I decided it was time that I took back control. That it was time to end it all. Why put myself and others through anymore of this.
I decided that the quick way would to be hit by a car. I actually felt like if it was a car it would be my final way of winning my escape back.
Here is where God got the last laugh. As I sit waiting for a car to come by it never did. There is never a time day or night that cars don't go by. So after quite awhile of waiting I looked up to the heavens and said please send me my answer.
About that time I heard something I knew a vehicle was coming down the street. Surprisingly God had sent a much different answer. Instead of a car, bus, truck something that would let me do what I wanted to do God sent a moped. Right then and there I knew I was not alone. Actually God was there and giving me my hope back.
Right then and there I decided that God had sent me the answer I truly needed. I wasn't useless in fact God had something planned for me. I came back in the house and started writing my first blog. Then my spirit began filling with the life I needed. I knew that God wanted me to start helping others.
God began feeling thoughts of other things I could do without leaving my house. Things I could do on my own time. If I couldn't stand and had to lay down that would be fine. Days when my tummy was fighting me would not interfere. That it was going to be blessed by God.
There are days that I am still depressed who wouldn't be in this situation. But the best part the thought of ending it all has disappeared. I know God will not let me do something stupid like that. Amazingly friends and family started showing up or calling when I started going blue. I found that there were people still out there that cared.
People that know me might be surprised by the fact that I thought God had left me. I am very spiritual and believe that in all the good and bad times God has been there. Yet, what I discovered is that I needed to know what it felt like to believe that God was gone to understand others. So right now if you think you are alone you are not.
God is there even when you don't think so. In fact, the story is so true when you are at your lowest and don't feel you can take anymore. That is when God is carrying you. God doesn't leave those that need support. So even if you are going through one of those moments right now God is carrying you. When you don't need to be carried God is walking with you.
Lastly, one of the things that God gave me to help me help others was my ability to pray. I know that even if I can't sit up I can pray. I might not have met you, I might now know your name, I might not know what you are going through. But if you are reading this right now know that I am praying for you. I know that God is using this and it is blessed. So I promise you that you are not alone and that all is good.
Well time to lay back down. Today has been one of the bad ones but it is okay. Because God was there. I wished I could have done other things but God said rest. Nice to know I was being carried I truly needed that today.
For my fellow fighters keep on fighting and remember one day they will figure this out and we will have won. Until then don't give up hope. It is okay to rest on bad days, but on the good days enjoy life to your fullest because you deserve it.
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